There was a man, approaching middle age, whose life was comfortable,
but he felt an emptiness inside, a longing. So he decide to join a
monastery.
The head monk told him that the road ahead was difficult, he would
have to give up all earthly possessions, pray constantly, and he would
have to be totally silent. In fact, he could not speak at all, to
anyone. He was allowed only to say two words every five years.
So the man joins and becomes a monk, and he is silent. Five years goes
by, and the Pope comes to visit. The man is summoned before the pope,
and he is asked "so, how is everything?" The man answers "bed hard".
The Pope replies, "Oh, I'm so sorry, we didn't know. We'll take care
of that right away. You should be comfortable in bed." And the bed is
fixed.
Another five years goes by, the man is silent, and again, the Pope
comes to visit. He again asks "How are you, my son, is all OK?" The
man replies to the Pope "Food cold", to which the Pope replies, "Oh,
my, that is no good, we will take care of that problem right away. No
more cold food."
Again, five more years goes by, the man is the ideal monk, he prays,
he is silent. This time, the Pope can't visit, so he the man is called
before his superior, who asks "How are you, are you OK? To which the
man replies "I quit".
So his superior says, in surprise, "Well, of course you quit, you've
been here for fifteen years and all you've done is complain!"
The Pastor and the Eggs
The elderly pastor was searching his closet for his collar before
church one Sunday morning. In the back of the closet, he found a small
box containing 3 eggs and 100 $1 bills. He called his wife into the
closet to ask her about the box and its contents. Embarrassed, she
admitted having hidden the box there for their entire 25 years of
marriage. Disappointed and hurt, the pastor asked her, "WHY?" The wife
replied that she hadn't wanted to hurt his feelings. He asked her how
the box could have hurt his feelings. She said that every time during
their marriage that he had delivered a poor sermon, she had placed an
egg in the box.
The pastor felt that 3 poor sermons in 25 years was certainly nothing
to feel bad about, so he asked her what the $100 was for.
She replied, "Each time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them to the
neighbours for $1."
The Pope and the Police
Recently the Pope decided that he could save some expenses at the
Vatican by learning how to drive himself. That way they would not need
to pay for a driver everywhere he went.
The following month, there were two motorcycle police in Washington
D.C. who were on traffic patrol when they saw a white limosine
blasting down the expressway.
The younger wanted to catch the speeder, but the older one said,
"Forget it. It's probably some big shot politician who will just get
the ticket fixed."
Not to be discouraged, the younger gave chase. He returned a short
time later, rather more quiet then when he had left.
"Well, did you write the citation?" asked the other officer.
"No."
Was he some big shot, like I told you?"
"Yeah. I think he was."
"I'll bet he was some Senator or something. Right?"
"I, uh, don't think so. I think he was bigger than that."
"You telling me that was the Vice President?"
"No, I, uh, he was bigger thah that."
"Don't tell me you stopped the President!"
"No. I think he was a lot bigger than that!"
"Just who do you think is bigger than the President?"
"Well," replied the younger, "I couldn't see who was in the back seat,
but he had the Pope driving for him!"
The Pastor and Golf
There was once a pastor of a medium sized evangelical church, he was a
good man, a good pastor but he had one weakness, golf.
One Sunday morning he woke up, preparing his mind for that morning's
sermon when he had a look out of the window. Oh what a glorious
morning, the sun had broken through the weeks of greyness and the sky
was clear blue. At that moment he decided he had to play golf, even if
it meant missing Church; he had a good team around him after all. So
he phoned the associate pastor, explaining he was sick in a croaky
voice, "Can we pray for you?" they offered "No, no it's not as bad as
that" he croaked back and left them to take the service. A brief pang
of guilt was forgotten as once again he peered out of the window. Up
in heaven St. Peter, seeing all this wandered over to Jesus, "Lord",
he said, "have you seen what your servant is doing down here?" "Yes
Peter", replied Jesus, "don't worry, I have it all in hand" "Okay
Lord" said Peter and went to see what was happening now.
What was happening was the Pastor was lining up his first shot of the
day, his wife left at home with a dispairing shack of her head. He
breathed the cool, fresh air, "This is going to be a beautiful day" he
thought to himself and let swing. Crack, what a beauty, the ball
sailed down the fairway. "Oh yes this is going to be a beautiful day"
he thought.
Again in heaven Peter walked over to the Lord and questioned "Lord do
you see what's happening here?" "Peter, Leave it to me, it's all in
hand"
The round was going wonderfully, in fact probably the best game he had
ever played, yes, the best without a doubt, shame he had noone to
share it with, but circumstances prevented that really didn't they.
And suddenly there he was, the famous 18th hole, an enormous par five
of reknowned difficulty, could he maintain his form? Many a game had
been lost on this one! He lined himself up, took a final glance down
the fairway to where it turned a bend and swung.
He had never seen his ball go so far, it was amazing, though it must
overshoot the dogleg and go into the trees, what a shame. But no, it
seemed to hit a tree and go around the corner, WOW what luck. He
hurried down the fairway and rounded the corner until he saw the green
still some way off. Now how far had it gone, where was that ball? He
just kept on walking, no sign of it anywhere, surely it hadn't reached
the green?! No he couldn't see it at, NO, it's impossible, AMAZING,
there lying still IN THE HOLE was his ball. A HOLE IN ONE, HA HA, A
HOLE IN ONE, AMAZING!!
Up in heaven that was just the final straw,
"WHAT IS GOING ON?" Peter yelled, "did you see that, did you do that?
Is this some grace thing again? What are you doing Lord, your servant
abandons his flock for some foolish game, lies to his elders and makes
his wife do the same and this happens?! You give him the most amazing
game he ha ever played and then that ridiculous hole in one, what's
going on?" "Yes Peter" replied Jesus, smiling,"I did give him all
that, but there is one thing that you forgot...who's he going to
tell?!!!!"
The Baptist, Charasmatic and Lutheran
A Baptist, an charasmatic, and a luteran died one day and stood at the
pearly gates. God asked each of them in turn why He should let them
into Heaven!
The Baptist answered, "Because I accepted you as my Lord and Saviour
and did my best to live my life for you. I may have failed you from
time to time but I always repented and asked forgivenss."
God replied, "You have done well, you may enter Heaven. Also, to drive
around, I will give you a Saturn." "Thank you, God," replied the
Baptist.
The charasmatic said to God, "I should be allowed into Heaven because
I accepted you as Saviour and I lived my life for you completely. I
tried to be a witness to everyone I met, and I led many people to
you."
God replied, "You have done very well. I am proud of you. Your car
will be a Rolls Royce." "Thank you God," replied the charasmatic.
The Lutheran approached God and said, "Lord, I think I was saved, and
I went to church and I tried to be a good person."
God replied, "Yes, you were saved, and you did alright. Here, I will
give you a Chevette." The Lutheran replied, "Thank you, Lord."
One day in Heaven, The Lutheran was chugging along in his Chevette
when he noticed the Baptist's Saturn crumpled up against a tree. He
saw the Baptist sitting on the curb laughing hysterically.
He pulled up and asked, "Are you ok? Are you hurt?"
The Baptist continued to roll in laughter.
The Lutheran asked, "What is so funny? I mean, you smashed up your
car, what could be so funny to make you laugh like that?" The Baptist
replied, "I just saw the Pope go by on roller skates!"
Town Drunk Dies
A man who had been quite a boozer and ran with the ladies, passed
away. His wealthy brother said to the Minister: "I hope you won't be
too hard on my brother. In fact if you would refer to my brother as a
Saint, I'll make a $10,000 donation to your Church."
The Minister said he would have to think about it.
At the funeral service, the Minister said: "We all know that Charlie
was a terrible boozer and was unfaithful to his wife, but compared to
his brother here, he was almost a saint."
Thank to Don R. Rogers
The Clergy and the Barber
A Rabbi went to the barber shop. After his hair cut, he got ready to
pay the barber and the barber said, "No Rabbi, I don't charge the
clergy for haircuts." So the next morning the barber found a loaf of
Jewish rye bread outside of his door step.
A couple of days past and a Catholic priest came in to get his hair
cut. He got ready to pay and the barber said, "No Father, I don't
charge the clergy for hair cuts." So the next morning he found a
bottle of wine outside his front door step.
A couple of days later the Baptist preacher came in to get his hair
cut and when he got ready to pay the barber said, "No Reverend, I
don't charge the clergy for their hair cuts." So the next morning, the
barber found 15 Baptist preachers on his doorstep, ready to get their
hair cut!
The Minster and the Paint
A Minister had a group of trustees over to paint the parsonage. It was
getting late and it looked like they were going to run out of paint,
but by that time the paint store was closed. The pastor looked and
noted that it was water based paint, so they added water to thin the
paint and finished the job.
That night it rained cats and dogs. The pastor worried that the paint
which wasn't dry would be washed from the house. Sure enough, in the
morning all the paint to which they had added water was washed from
the house. At that moment the clouds parted and the pastor heard a
voice from above. It said "Repaint and thin no more."
The Strongman and the Lemon
The strongman at a circus sideshow demonstrated his power before a
large audience. Toward the end, hesqueezed the juice from a lemon
between his hands. He then said to the audience, "I will offer $200 to
anyone in the audience who can squeeze another drop from this lemon.
A thin scholarly looking man came forward, picked up the lemon,
strained hard and managed to get a drop. The strongman was amazed. He
paid the man and asked, "What is the secret of your strength?"
"Practice," the man answered. "I was the treasurer of the Methodist
Church for thirty-two years!.
Carried away in worship
Members of one church were getting carried away in Worship one
evening. The tambourines a shaking, the drums a rocking and choruses
and prayers asscended to Heaven in an never ending stream. Amidst the
sighs and ecstatic shouts of joy, one old man was truly overcome with
emotion:
"Ah Lord, Thoust can see we are having a blessed time this evening,
but this is nothing, Lord, Thoust should have been here at the meeting
last week, Lord!"
Adam and his Partner
God had just finished creating Adam.
God said to him "Adam, I want you to pick out a partner from any of
the animals in the garden."
So Adam looked around trying to find a mate. After a few minutes Adam
said to God "God, none of these animals will do." So God made a woman
for Adam.
Adam looked at the woman and said to God "God, why did you make her so
beautiful?" and God replied "So you will like her Adam." Adam said,
"But God, she is just SO beautiful why is she so beautiful?" "So you
will like her" God replied. Then Adam asked, "But God, why did you
make her so stupid?" God replied "So she will like you."
I'm not goin' to Church
A mother called her son one Sunday morning, to get out of bed and get
ready for Church. He replied "I'm not goin" His mother said "Yes you
are goin, so get out of that bed." He replied "Give me ONE good reason
why I should go." She replied, "I'll give you THREE good reasons....
1. I'm your mother, and I say your goin. 2. Your 40 years old, so old
enough to know better. 3. Your the Pastor, so you need to be there.
St. Peter and the Rich Man
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed
until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only
one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with
gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told
him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with
God," the man explained.
"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man
opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"
Married in Heaven
A couple about to be maried got into a car accident the day before
they their wedding and died. When they went to Peter, they asked,
"Peter, we would really like to be maried here in heaven." Peter
replied, "Why don't you wait a few years to make sure that you really
would like to be together for forever." "OK" they replied. So they
waited.
About a hundred years went by and they asked again. Again Peter said
to wait a while. So again they waited. Another hundred years went by
and they asked again. Peter finally said, "OK Why not." So of course
they had a grand wedding. About Eighty years went by and they came to
Peter and asked for a divorce. Peter replied, "Wait just a minute. It
took me two hundred years to get a minister up here. How do you think
I will ever get a lawyer up here?"
The Rabbi, Vicar and Priest by the River
A Rabbi, a Vicar and a Priest went fishing one day, they patiently sat
on the river bank waiting for a bite, after a few hours the Rabbi
stood up and said, "I don't think we are to get anywhere here so I'm
going to cross the river and try up stream". The Priest pointed out
that the nearest bridge was 3 miles away. "No problem" replied the
Rabbi who knelt down and prayed for a few seconds, then he stood up
and walked across the water! The Vicar started packing away his
fishing equipment and shouted to the Rabbi to wait for him. The Vicar
knelt down said a quick prayer and walked across the river to join the
Rabbi. The Priest thought to himself if they can do it so can I. "Wait
for me" the Priest called, "There's no point in me staying here on my
own", the Priest knelt down and said a prayer stood up walked to the
river bank took one step out into the river then vanished beneath the
surface. On the other bank the Vicar turned to the Rabbi "Do you think
we should of told him about the stepping stones"?
President George Bush and Moses
After many long and fruitful years, ex-President George Bush dies and
goes to Heaven.
Within the first few months of eternity, he finds Moses walking the
streets of gold. Thinking to himself: "It would be intresting to
compare notes, head-of-state to head-of-state." he approaches Moses.
Moses sees him coming, turns white and runs the other way!
Puzzled by this reaction, George goes on his way in paradise.
A few hundred years pass, and George again sees Moses walking the
streets of Gold. This time he is able to stand right beside Moses
before Moses notices him.
George asks: "Why did you run away from me the first time we saw each
other? All I wanted to do was discuss the aspects of being
head-of-state with you."
Moses replies: "Well, the last time I spoke to a 'Bush', I wound up
spending 40 years in the wilderness!"
Jesus at the Pearly Gates
One day Jesus was staffing the Pearly Gates for St. Peter when a soul
arrived: Jesus to man: Welcome. It is our custom to ask new arrivals
if there is any unfinished business on earth they would like to see
completed before entering into heaven. Man: Well actually there is.
You see, a number of years ago I was separated from my son and I hear
different stories but I don't know for sure exactly what happened to
him. Jesus: Well it shouldn't be too hard to find out. Let's start
with your name. Man: Well, I was named after Jacob's son Joseph.
Jesus: Hm, Well OK. Where did you live? Man: In a small fishing
village near the Mediterranean Sea. Jesus: Hmm. And your occupation?
Man: Why, I was a carpenter. Jesus: Hmmm. Anything special you can
tell me about your son? Man: Oh, yes. My son was very special. God
himself gave him life. There never has been nor will there ever be
another like him. Jesus: Wait! You're the carpenter Joseph from a
fishing village with a very special son? Man: Yes, that's right.
Jesus: Oh my, my. Why your MY father. (Throwing his arms around the
man) Oh, father, father. Man: (Tearfully embracing Jesus) Oh, my son,
my son, my long lost son, Pinochio! Pinochio!
Abraham and Isaac
Avraham (Abraham) wants to upgrade his PC to Windows 95.
Yitzhak (Isaac) is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows
95 on your old, slow 386. Everyone knows that you need at least a fast
486 with a minimum of 16 megs of memory in order to multitask
effectively with Windows 95.'
But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied,
'God will provide the RAM, my son'.
The Healthy Christians
Two Christians have lived very good, and also very healthy lives. They
die, and go to heaven.
As they are walking along, marvelling at the paradise around them, one
turns to the other and says "Wow. I never knew heaven was going to be
as good as this !"
"Yeah", says the other. "And just think, if we hadn't eaten all that
oat bran we could have got here ten years sooner."
Thanks
Thanks for visiting my jokes page. These jokes are from
a collection I found on the internet and I they gave me a
little laugh. So I decided to put them on my Web Page.
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